mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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