You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
