so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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