I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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