How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
