Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
