genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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