Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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