When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
