the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
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I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday