fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.