In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.