I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
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Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot