He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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