Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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