So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
