I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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