tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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