I puked a lego.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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