Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
