Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
