He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
