It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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