I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
