i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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