please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
