It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
