you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
