I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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