so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Houston, we have a squirter
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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