i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
