it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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