I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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