life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
