i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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