grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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