Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
