Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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