Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
