what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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