So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
