also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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