A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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