my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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