Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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