on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
