I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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