I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
