I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
