nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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