ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
