Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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