Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
