I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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