the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
