Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
