I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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