Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
