Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
