I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
