I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
