my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
