I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
