I am in a vortex of obligation.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
