I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
