was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
