I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
