I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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