The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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